random observations, thoughts on life, humorous stories....from the studio while I paint.
Life Is a Puzzle
Posted 04/27/2010 at 12:30 AM by superkat
[B]....and I suck at puzzles.
I learned something about myself this evening. The first night I've truly had off in months...I learned that I can no longer trust my discernment. There are aspects of life where one can find stability. The funny thing about that is that stability can often be unbelievably boring. I have never lived my life in a boring manner. I absolutely THRIVE on adventure. But even the simplest of adventures require the proper equipment. For instance, if you are going to climb a mountain...you better make sure you have the proper tools to do so. I've been climbing mountains all my life...with my health, with my career, with my compassion towards people, with the generosity of my very being in the display of love and sincerity and never once have I felt completely unprepared...until now.
Now I understand that even with the best packed gear bag, you can still step on a loose rock and lose your balance and fall. Even the sturdiest rope could break...and even having a partner with you on your adventure could prove to be the most dangerous aspect of all.
It comes down to trust. I was forced to use the tools in my own personal "gear bag" of life tonight...and when I tried to use all the things I so carefully packed away in case of an emergency, i found that they had become obsolete...that they were not strong enough to overcome the adventure of my recent choice. I trusted that I had packed that bag well enough to ward off an accident that would result in something getting broken...like a neck...or a HEART. So on the ledge of a mountain, one foot on a loose rock..i reached into that bag and found nothing of use. Left alone without a partner...without a sturdy rope...dangling above a precipice that if I let go...i would surely fall to my death.
Luckily...I was prepared in another way...I was prepared that if I let go...that for that moment of freefall i could close my eyes and prepare for the worst. That once I hit bottom one of two things could happen. I could die. Or I could recover from my injuries. Placed in that postion...of hanging on to the ledge...my fingers clutching the remains of what I thought would support me...i knew i could not continue to hang on. I pushed away from the mountain and sent myself into the abyss.
The thought of dieing wasn't as frightening as I expected...in fact...it was comforting in the fact that it required no energy on my part. That I would fall...I would hit the surface below and it would be over. I welcomed it. Instead, much to my dismay...I was forced to deal with the excruciating pain of the fall. Broken, bruised, battered and looking up at the great height from which I had fallen...i realized that I had no one to blame but myself for taking on an adventure that had proved fatal for others in the past. I never realized the potential danger...I only craved the sheer possibility that I might succeed where others had failed. What a silly little girl I am.
And now I sit here...in the rubble of what was once a glorious expedition...and realize the folly of my actions. Looking at my "gear bag", cursing the contents for their lack of ability to save me from the fall...understanding that as much as I want to blame them for their inaccuracy..I have only myself to crucify for assuming that they were going to protect me.
I trusted in something that I created. And that was my biggest mistake.
Life is a puzzle. I've lived my life with scattered pieces. None of them belong in the same box. Trying to piece together a puzzle with the appropriate pieces is hard enough...trying to do it when none of those pieces belong together is not only an arduous task...it's impossible.
I will still continue to try and piece together the mess I have made of so many aspects of my life...and I will continue to take risks and live with the heart of an adventurer...but next time I fall? I pray that I will have a companion next to me who will save my life.[B][/B][/B]
I learned something about myself this evening. The first night I've truly had off in months...I learned that I can no longer trust my discernment. There are aspects of life where one can find stability. The funny thing about that is that stability can often be unbelievably boring. I have never lived my life in a boring manner. I absolutely THRIVE on adventure. But even the simplest of adventures require the proper equipment. For instance, if you are going to climb a mountain...you better make sure you have the proper tools to do so. I've been climbing mountains all my life...with my health, with my career, with my compassion towards people, with the generosity of my very being in the display of love and sincerity and never once have I felt completely unprepared...until now.
Now I understand that even with the best packed gear bag, you can still step on a loose rock and lose your balance and fall. Even the sturdiest rope could break...and even having a partner with you on your adventure could prove to be the most dangerous aspect of all.
It comes down to trust. I was forced to use the tools in my own personal "gear bag" of life tonight...and when I tried to use all the things I so carefully packed away in case of an emergency, i found that they had become obsolete...that they were not strong enough to overcome the adventure of my recent choice. I trusted that I had packed that bag well enough to ward off an accident that would result in something getting broken...like a neck...or a HEART. So on the ledge of a mountain, one foot on a loose rock..i reached into that bag and found nothing of use. Left alone without a partner...without a sturdy rope...dangling above a precipice that if I let go...i would surely fall to my death.
Luckily...I was prepared in another way...I was prepared that if I let go...that for that moment of freefall i could close my eyes and prepare for the worst. That once I hit bottom one of two things could happen. I could die. Or I could recover from my injuries. Placed in that postion...of hanging on to the ledge...my fingers clutching the remains of what I thought would support me...i knew i could not continue to hang on. I pushed away from the mountain and sent myself into the abyss.
The thought of dieing wasn't as frightening as I expected...in fact...it was comforting in the fact that it required no energy on my part. That I would fall...I would hit the surface below and it would be over. I welcomed it. Instead, much to my dismay...I was forced to deal with the excruciating pain of the fall. Broken, bruised, battered and looking up at the great height from which I had fallen...i realized that I had no one to blame but myself for taking on an adventure that had proved fatal for others in the past. I never realized the potential danger...I only craved the sheer possibility that I might succeed where others had failed. What a silly little girl I am.
And now I sit here...in the rubble of what was once a glorious expedition...and realize the folly of my actions. Looking at my "gear bag", cursing the contents for their lack of ability to save me from the fall...understanding that as much as I want to blame them for their inaccuracy..I have only myself to crucify for assuming that they were going to protect me.
I trusted in something that I created. And that was my biggest mistake.
Life is a puzzle. I've lived my life with scattered pieces. None of them belong in the same box. Trying to piece together a puzzle with the appropriate pieces is hard enough...trying to do it when none of those pieces belong together is not only an arduous task...it's impossible.
I will still continue to try and piece together the mess I have made of so many aspects of my life...and I will continue to take risks and live with the heart of an adventurer...but next time I fall? I pray that I will have a companion next to me who will save my life.[B][/B][/B]
Total Comments 16
Comments
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You strike me as someone who is completely capable of climbing back up, dusting yourself off and skipping towards the flower covered meadow...
No more falling. :PPosted 04/27/2010 at 05:58 AM by dreaminmel 
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thank you, my dear sweet friend and sis.....as soon as my head stops spinning? I will repack my gear bag and seek a more direct path to that meadow. I fear however, that my sense of humor has been damaged to the point of no repair.Posted 04/27/2010 at 06:13 AM by superkat
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“Despair is the price one pays for setting oneself an impossible aim. It is, one is told, the unforgivable sin, but it is a sin the corrupt or evil man never practices. He always has hope. He never reaches the freezing-point of knowing absolute failur”
Graham GreenePosted 04/27/2010 at 12:06 PM by Steve Canyon
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Can someone tell me why Zuse jumped out the tank?Posted 04/27/2010 at 07:37 PM by Silver_Stang
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hey Silver....who is Zuse????
Posted 04/28/2010 at 01:59 AM by superkat
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he wasn't a perfect man
by any means
but a man
he was
A mentor
a leader
a shoulder
to cry on
soothing my fears and pains
He would rub my back
when i was ill
he wasn't always there
and when he was
i was often gone
I thought he was
superman
he told me
he was proud
of me
as he watches from above
casually swinging
a golf club
he guides me
gently pushing
one more fishing trip
one more round of golf
one more talk about money
one more beer
and a football game
I hope you are
catching the biggest fish
hitting the staightest 9 iron
taking it easy
and keeping an eye on us
three years
go so fast
i miss you
words cannot
say how much
tears fill my eyes
I'm a sensitive guy
you would always say
how right you are
RIP PopsPosted 05/03/2010 at 08:12 PM by alphaferret
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not sure what this had to do with blog...happy you stopped by...but post clear concise thought, please.
Posted 05/04/2010 at 02:06 AM by fly123
Updated 05/04/2010 at 03:45 AM by superkat -
Dean...that made me cry. I miss my Dad so very much...thank you for reminding me of the positive impact he had on my life.
Posted 05/04/2010 at 03:45 AM by superkat
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tonight...i am really trying to feel safe in my own skin....what works for some of you?
Posted 05/04/2010 at 09:02 PM by superkat
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about 6 labatts-
j/k-My Anne and Chloe(wifey and daughter)
Knowing that we have it pretty good-we can go to a store and get bread and milk to feed our children w/ out the general fear of bombs coming in our way. Yet after recent events this may becoming less and less true-but still think HIM(I'm not a huge religous person but you have to believe in some thing eh?) every day for the life he has giving me. Even though it at times has been rough and difficult w/ deep valleys-it also has had its good times and greatest peaks.Posted 05/05/2010 at 09:48 PM by alphaferret
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good, valid points. right now...i'm glad (since there is a downpour out there) that i am safe and warm in my own home...looking at my beautiful reef tank in the livingroom...enjoying the light show...but at the same time...there is an odd void in my life that i'm not sure what to fill it with....
Posted 05/05/2010 at 10:50 PM by superkat
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ya I get that feeling sometimes. But really I have all that i ever wanted except for a garage w/ many cars and trucks. I always wanted that girl-I got her, and we always wanted a kid and I have that too. MY health is not that great right now but I'm not in a hospital so I guess I'm doing alright. Try to think about what life would be like w/ out what you do have. Now that would be a void impossible to fill.
Posted 05/09/2010 at 10:26 PM by alphaferret
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good point, Dean....again! Thanks. I think it all boils down to perspective...use it or lose it....ever read any Richard Bach?
Posted 05/10/2010 at 02:22 AM by superkat
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Nope. But I often wonder what exactly we are here for. Reproduce and mentor is what I came up w/. If I could make life a little easier for say my daughter or really anyone that would make me happy. I would love to be the lil angel on some people shoulders screaming no don't do that you are going to regret it! That would be awesome. If only they listened. I'm sure I'll get my chance w/ my lil one.
Posted 05/10/2010 at 05:59 PM by alphaferret
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i think you would love the book, "Illusions", by Richard Bach. I've had to replace my copy several times...either because i have given it away, or i've read it to pieces.
Posted 05/11/2010 at 03:45 PM by superkat
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Just watched the movie Liar Liar with Jim Carrey tonight. See....how much easier the world would be if some of that movie actually hit a few thousand people.....
Posted 05/15/2010 at 12:29 AM by superkat
