A Letter to My Son

I have been literally CONSUMED with my theater work for weeks. Enough so that I have barely been able to spend much time with my beautiful son, Liam. I just found out a few minutes ago that my nephew's little boy, Benji..only 6 yrs old, died from complications during a surgery that was needed to correct a defect he had been born with. Needless to say...I am pretty emotional right now...as I think what it would be like to lose my son at this age. But there is a mountain of common sense that I feel compelled to write down...to save for him..when he is old enough to understand...and so,

Dear Liam,

I love you so much. I know that sometimes I can be strict and maybe not allow you to do the all the things you would like to do. But because I love you, because your life in this world is my world to me, I need to protect you and will do so with all my heart and soul.

Love is a strange thing, my sweet boy. And it comes in many forms. What we feel for others, and how we treat others, comes from deep inside. It determines if someone gets just a smile...or a lifetime. It's the catalyst behind the choices we make. If we feel loved, protected, supported and nurtured, we are inclined to be the best we can be for ourselves and for those who love us. And for those who love us, we provide them with the sincerity of a grateful heart, the comfort of knowing that we feed each other goodness in this life.

But this life is not a fairytale, honey. It's just not. Things happen. Sometimes bad things happen. And how we react to those times is determined by what I just talked about. Our companions in our life are just like a safety net to a tightrope walker. The walker's "job" is difficult and scary. And he would most likely be consumed by fear without the knowledge of the safety net. Can you imagine even stepping out on to the rope knowing that if you screwed up, you would fall to the ground unprotected or supported? He would never take the first step. But with the safety net beneath him, he knows that he CAN make a mistake and still survive. And that knowledge is what gives that man strength. And the strength gives him courage. And the courage builds his self esteem. And the self esteem builds his confidence. And the confidence leads to his success.

I am your safety net, my love. I may not always be recognized, or seen or acknowledged, but I am always there. Even when you are not above me. Even when we are not together. I am always there. To have someone in your life like that is very, very important. And sometimes, there are those who never find someone they can depend on like that. Sometimes...we must face the walk on the rope alone. But with the right attitude...we still can complete the walk. It just takes multitudes of personal strength and ambition. And it can be dangerous.

But you don't have to worry. As long as I am alive and have breath...i will be there for you. Remember what I said about love? When your heart is full...when you are bursting with love for another...something happens...the very thought of not having that person in your life...or worse...gone completely...will bring you to tears. You will cry at the mere thought of not being able to hold that person, talk to them, be with them. There are only a handful of people in my life I can say that about. You and your sister, my sweet boy, are at the top of that list.

The holder of slot three has changed many times. I am sorry that you did not know a better time when your Dad held that position. But regardless of what position he is in, I love him because he is your father. And he loves you. It is not important to your survival that we love each other beyond that. Because I am positive that he also is your safety net...just not mine.

The stark reality of life is this, there is no fairytale. Life is complicated and full of distractions that compel us to make choices and decisions that are sometimes not correct. And sometimes the correct choices are the most difficult. I love you enough to encourage you to make the right choices...and enough to let you make the wrong ones as well. That is love...unconditional love. Love should not be a reward when you do something right...Love...should just BE.

And my son, this is my promise to you...that no matter what...I will always love you. You mean so much to me. You are my life, my breath, my reason for waking up each morning. Holding you makes all the hurt go away. Feeling you next to me is as close to heaven as i believe I will ever feel on earth.

I am here.
For you.
Always.

Love, Mom